Nothing short of a miracle..

     I often wonder to myself if all women feel this way in pregnancy.  There are such highs and lows. The highs of finally having made it never go away. But the lows are looming. "Will I be a good mommy?", "Will I be able to do this?", "Why does everyone make it sound so agonizing but beautiful?" - That is one thing I will never understand until baby is here. I can't even phathom what this means. How terribly hard but worth it, it is. I just don't get it quite yet. 
    I am beginning to feel baby move more often. In fact, I felt that little monster 3 seconds before I started this sentence. It is such a feeling that has no words. There are no words to describe it. Amazing doesn't do it justice.  The quick little bubble or flutter I will feel here and there and just KNOW deep down that it is baby turning over or stretching a leg out.....it's just a phenomenal feeling.
    I still cannot for one second believe I am here. The weeks pile on and I feel like I am left breathless with "Whoa, 18 weeks 3 days already?" (today).  I still listen to baby everyday at least once a day. It's getting so strong, Rob can hear it from another room and he'll ask "How fast, babe?" ...That is one of my favorite moments I have ever experienced.  I look forward to it everyday. My day is not whole until I hear that baby is fine and beating away. I feel like my life will never be fulfilled again until I know each and every day that my baby is okay -whether they are 3 or 56. I now know why my mom and dad call me so often. How can you rest every night, completely satisfied, without knowing your heart and soul and your everything is okay?  I don't understand moms who take for granted this miracle. I don't understand dads who walk away, never to turn back. I am completely devoted to this little baby.  I am wrapped around his/her finger and I am so in love.
   I just can't wait to see those eyes. To watch that little mouth curl into a smile. To be by his/her side for each triumph and tribulation. To be there any time I am needed. To read a story when monsters are under the bed. To bake cookies or paint a picture wiith when life seems  a bit hectic or ugly. I don't know how to thank God or my angels or my lucky stars enough for this gift.. But I will work every single day to make them proud and to do right by my little family.
     Mommy loves you, Monster. Forever and for always.

14 weeks! 2nd trimester glow!

I am so happy!
So so happy. Never in my dreams did I think I'd end up here.
SECOND TRIMESTER.
I wake up with my hand on my belly. I can feel which side baby is on, making it super easy to find him/her on doppler.  And I hear that little angel's heartbeat everyday.
My tummy is filling out, my sickness is going away, I see why people call this the honeymoon trimester. I am so in love.

Here's my 14 week pic! :)

12 Week Picture!

It has been a month since I took a pic last?? I think..
Sorry, it has been chaos here with the rearranging, etc.  But here is today's tummy pic!
:)

It wasn't always so happy, but there was always love.

As I rolled over to flip on my light switch this morning, I look over and see my fetal heart doppler.  I smile big and it's because I have heard baby's heartbeat numerous times. Always ranging from 155-165 beats per minute. A great, strong heartbeat for this little angelic monster that is growing so rapidly.  I decide to go ahead and hear it one more time- after all, my doctor did give the okay.  I put some doppler gel (aloe vera gel) on my tummy and I start to search for our little darling. It takes a little while each time I do it; I am relentless though, and walking away without hearing that little symphony of thumps is  just not an option.  I find it, 160 bpm this morning. I sit there and just can't believe how blessed I am.  God has blessed me and I definitely worked hard for it. 
I begin to reminisce about the journey Rob and I started on to get here. It wasn't always smiles and blessings. It was hard. It was painstakingly hard. We kept on going, though. In the short time we have been married (2 years in November) every mission, journey, task, goal we have set for ourselves has been seen through.  We are a fantastic team. No matter how hard it has gotten, no matter how  many fights and disagreements through these journeys, no matter how impossible it seemed- we ultimately joined hands, locked in, and kept on going. We beat infertility. We paid off close to 10,000 dollars in debt. We got through a deployment. We have dealt with each other's health issues and needs. We have held each other through two miscarriages and 14 months of failed fertility treatments. We did it all together.  I can remember a time I was going in for an ultrasound and that was to only SEE if I possibly had an egg forming for the rest of the fertility treatment. I remember testing positive for pregnancy only to find myself bleeding. I remember crying into Rob's arms late at night because the fertility treatments were just too much for me emotionally and physicially. Each month, I told him "No more." And he stood by my side. Until the time came, and I decided "Okay, let's try once more." Once more turned into 14 months and finally when we had had enough- we decided to get some real help from a real fertility clinic. We set up our appointment. It was to be on August 29th.  We stopped the fertility treatments here and awaited our appointment for August 29th. 
On August 15th, I had a dream so real that I was pregnant that when I woke up, I took a pregnancy test AND an ovulation test. The ovulation test was a BLARING positive. The most beautiful positive I have ever seen on a test. And the weird part is, it was all me. It wasn't with Clomid, or trigger shots, or estrogen pills or progesterone suppositories. It was good old fashioned herbal remedies (Vitamin C, Geritol, Peppermint Tea, Lemon water detox every morning, and Soy Isoflavones).  I thought I'd experiment with herbal remedies given to me by a friend, Brandi, while we awaited the appointment in Albuquerque.  I ran to show Rob the positive test!! We were both so excited!
9 days later, on August 24th, I was home alone and I tested for pregnancy, not expecting to see anything come up on the test. I couldn't believe it! There it was! Two beautiful lines! And that has been the start to this new beautiful journey for Rob and myself.  We are due May 7th, 2012 and we were able to cancel that appointment in Albuquerque.  I am 11 weeks 1 day... and I wouldn't trade the tears, the pain, the heartache, or the feelings of emptiness for anything in the world. It got us to where we are right now. 

Baby's Beat!

Ok, sorry for the absence lately.  The house has been going under some rennovations and changes! I am 10 weeks 4 days today and I got my Sonoline B fetal doppler in the mail yesterday. I was getting rather discouraged because I couldn't find baby's heartbeat.. I tried today and got it for like 5 seconds! Then again a bit later for a few more seconds.
I left the doppler at home, ran some errands, and came home and decided to try again. I searched for that heartbeat and FOUND IT! I was able to record it this time, too! I am so excited to show Rob and to show you all too!

Here's the link! As soon as I can, (hopefully Monday) I will get a tummy pic up also! Love you all!  
Sorry for the shifty camera work. Camera was resting on my chest as I was trying to push down enough on doppler/tummy and hold the lcd screen up.. Quite difficult!!!

8 Weeks!

I don't exactly know why- but hitting 8 weeks has made me feel amazing! I just can't even believe it.. I feel so confident that things are just going to be fine! I get morning sickness, which is never usually morning at all. It's usually at night.  Last night, the frequent urination was at an all-time high. I went at 8:30pm, at 10:30pm, at 1:40am and at 4:30am. It's now 6:30 am, and I definitely am aware that it is time to go again! Eeep! If this wasn't because of and for baby, I'd be really upset. But, I am feeling great about it. Every "icky" symptom reminds me all is well. :) 
I have an appointment at 9 weeks with a new doctor that I have heard nothing but great things about! I left my other doctor because, really, his office staff was incompetent and rude. They forgot to call in my prenatal vitamins, they have always made me feel annoying.. Hello, I am pregnant after two miscarriages AND I don't even call about stuff like, "I'm cramping, is that okay?" I call about "Is my bloodwork in?" "Why haven't my prenatal vitamins been called in?" Like, why should I have to do that? Why would a patient have to make YOUR job easier? No. You are supposed to make this easier on the patient. So yeah, needless to say- I left. That was it for me. I draw the line somewhere. Though it may take me a while to draw that line- I will eventually. I am notorious for giving people chance after chance- and apparently, that doesn't stop at doctors offices.
Anyway- not thinking of negative things! :) Here is my tum at 8 weeks!

7 Weeks :)

I am bloating and rounding out a bit already! WHAT?! Haha.. I love every second of all of this. I was so upset yesterday when I rememebered I had a  Twix bar leftover and discovered the dogs had gotten it. Little jerks!!! I was seriously MAD. I told Rob, "I don't know why we waste our time spoiling those dogs when they just take what they want!" He, of course, laughed. And I am laughing now too. But - oh boy, at the moment.. NOT HAPPY.  I had to get out of the house- so I went on a cruise and ended up shopping. I bought 4 outfits. For baby. 2 girl outfits and 2 boy outfits. I just had to! It made  me feel better anyway.. Now today I have to muster up energy to clean and grocery shop! Wish me luck!

Weepy woman...

Boy, oh boy am I being shown textbook definitions of pregnancy. I was trying to get dressed earlier and got so upset because EVERYTHING feels too tight. Don't get me wrong, I am not dumb enough to be like "I'm showing!" I am saying, however, that being on progesterone supplements twice a day has made me so puffy it's like almost comical. I feel massive. Rob totally melted my heart when he brought his "Everything Father To Be Book" and read me an excerpt from it stating that women in the first trimester will often feel fat and ugly because our bodies are changing and there is no baby bump to show for it yet- just full on weight shifting and puffiness. :) It was so sweet of him.
Today was full of nausea and fatigue. It is so amazing to feel it. I honestly take comfort in feeling awful. I am not feeling so hot now as I type! Just had to tell a tale of waterworks!
Rob went in the gas station to get snacks (I think he gets more cravings than I do.. Hahaha, freakin' moon pies) and as he was in there "I Hope You Dance" was on the radio. I was listening to the lyrics and I think I finally let myself feel happy and so much love for this baby. I think I feel like it's safe now. I started picturing that little heartbeat and just broke down in tears and bawled like a baby.  Straight up happy, joyous tears. Not an ounce of sadness. I imagined his/her eyes, his/her heart already beating away, and his/her triumphs and tribulations that I want to be there for.  I just can't believe how much I already love this little monster. :)

6 weeks tummy tummy! :)

Okay, I made promises of being overly obnoxious about tummy pics. Well here's week six!

&  I don't think I posted this!! OUR BABY BEAR!

6 Weeks & Goin' Strong!

Ok, our first ultrasound went amazing! We saw our little monster snuggled right in where he/she belongs and with a beautiful heart rate of 119 beats per minute! I had my husband record a bit of it, just so we'll always have it.  After seeing all of this, I feel as though the relaxation and enjoying process can begin.
Here is the video! Enjoy (& pardon the shifty camera work!)

5 weeks today! 9/5/11

So, today I have reached a point I have never made it to in a pregnancy. 5 weeks! Things are still feeling and looking great! I am very happy. I am still super cautious but the idea of this working out is starting to outshine the idea of things going bad. So that is an amazing feeling. I am going to be that obnoxious girl who posts a weekly tummy pic. And although it may look as though I am already 5 months, I am not. Hahaaa! Here is me at 5 weeks!

My husband says to me last night, "Are your boobs going to get bigger?!" I said "Most likely babe." He then starts to giggle like a 12 year old and says "Oh my gosh, babe! You're going to have back problems!" Hahaha men. Well here I am! :)

May I have this dance?

For as long as I can remember, rain and I have had sort of a beautiful bond.  You cannot convince me for one moment that God and I do not communicate daily.. and most profoundly - it's in the form of rain.  I remember having my first real dance with God in the rain a few years ago. I was driving home and it was pouring down sheets of rain. I knew what I wanted to do. I got home, put my things down in my apartment, and ran back down the stairs to walk in the pouring rain. I let myself feel it. I let myself put my arms up, I let myself smile at the sky, and I let myself stand there and get drenched. I knew in that moment that I was changed forever. I began to get very connected to my spiritual side and I just know that God and I shared a moment.
Well tonight, it happened again. I laid in bed, nervous as I have been ever since I found out I was pregnant. My mind raced as I held a Virgin Mary charm to a necklace that my grandmother had from Yugoslavia that my aunt just gave me for my birthday a few days ago. "To protect you and the baby." she said. It has been by my nightstand ever since. I have never had a relationship with Jesus or Mary or any of the Biblical people. Just always with God. My soul just reached out and I looked up a prayer for a healthy pregnancy- lo and behold, it was a prayer to Jesus and the Virgin Mary. I said it aloud and began to cry. I just pictured so many people looking over this baby and ensuring she/he is safe and okay. Tears ran down my face and I prayed to God for a sign that this baby would be okay. All of a sudden, my husband says, "Babe. It's raining!" (Knowing how I feel about rain) ...I couldn't believe it. It hasn't rained for at least a couple weeks and we have not expected it. I just started crying harder because I knew this was my sign. I sat outside and watched the rain, walked around in it for a bit, and thanked God for the dance. <3
It's all going to be okay.

The Beginning Stages of Bliss

First test: 8/24  HcG level: 10  Progesterone level: 11
Second test: 8/29 HcG level: 258  Progesterone level: 16.1
Third and final test: 8/31 HcG level: 477  Doc says he is happy with it and to enjoy!
First ultrasound: 9/12/11


I went to see the doctor today. He said everything looks great so far! Numbers so far are fantastic, he did an exam and pap- no bleeding or complications. He said to be very happy but cautious because of my history. He did say "I think last time was a fluke. I think you don't necessarily have trouble carrying a pregnancy, as much as you have a problem getting pregnant. We're already halfway there!" so that was good. He also called in bloodwork again (THEY TOOK 8 VIALS OF BLOOD!) he said if the HcG numbers doubled he was happy and not going to keep checking because he doesn't want me to obsess and worry. He said at that point, he wants me to enjoy it like it's a healthy, normal pregnancy. :) So....good!